


Lost in You

by Wolvesta



Series: Wolf’s Den of 9-1-1 Stories [10]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Presumed Dead, Eddie Diaz Centric, Eddie Diaz Needs a Hug (9-1-1 TV), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, M/M, Men Crying, Mistaken Identity, Not Really Character Death, Sad Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley, brief appearance of other characters, established Buddie, established marriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:07:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25759321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolvesta/pseuds/Wolvesta
Summary: “I’m so sorry for your loss Firefighter Diaz”"Who?"“Your husband”Buck?
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Wolf’s Den of 9-1-1 Stories [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1551724
Comments: 22
Kudos: 468





	Lost in You

**Author's Note:**

> Somehow I found a way to get lost in you  
> Let me inside  
> Let me get close to you  
> Change your mind  
> I'll get lost if you want me to  
> Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
> 
> -Lost in You by Three Days Grace

It’s a feeling he is and isn’t used to. He’s used to the feeling of people waiting for him when he gets off of a plane, mostly when he came back from deployment, Shannon and a baby Christopher was waiting for him. Now it’s Buck and Christopher waiting for him. What he isn’t used to, is two strangers and LAFD Chief Ford waiting by baggage claim. He assumes that they are there for a completely different reason until Ford approaches him specifically.

“Firefighter Eddie Diaz?” Asks a woman professionally, next to the chief.

“Edd-yes?” Eddie was about to correct the woman about his name when he realizes that she said it correctly. He’s not used to people knowing his preferred name over his biological one. “Can I help you?”

“I’m Maya Anderson, I’m with Human Resources for the LAFD, can you please come with us?” Eddie looks over to Ford in question, and he nods, saying that it’s ok to do what they say.

“Oh, of course. But I just got off of a flight from El Paso, I have to go home to drop my things off”

“Don’t worry about that, you can go after.”

“Ok then,” Eddie says, still unsure of what this is about, but he follows nonetheless. Ford offers to grab his bag, but Eddie denies the help, it’s only one carryon. The group leads him over to a private room away from the chaos of the airport. The younger man is dashing ahead of the group to sign them in and open the door for them. When he gets into the room, it isn't anything more than a meeting room with chairs and some snacks. If Eddie is being honest, Maya gestures to one of the chairs and Eddie takes a seat after setting his bag down and looks around nervously. He has no idea why he is here, he just wanted to go home, curl up with his husband and his son, and sleep off the jet-lag from his flight. And when he is all rested up, give Chris the gift his family sent from El Paso.

_He just got back from a week-long mini-vacation in El Paso by himself. It was a weird sensation, to say the least. Whenever Eddie went to El Paso, Christopher and/or Buck was with him, but Buck couldn’t get the week off, and Christopher had to stay behind because of a bad cold, so Eddie went by himself. Even if it was after Buck practically shoved him out the door with a kiss and a promise to take care of Christopher and that he’ll be waiting for him._

“May I ask what this is about?” Eddie asks, grabbing the water bottle in front of him to take a drink. He looks as Anderson sits down and looks nervous for some reason.

"Please allow me to introduce Amy Martin," Anderson says as he gestures to the woman next to her. Eddie nods and shakes her hand, still unsure what is happening. _"_ Dr. Martin is our grief counselor" she adds, and then he sees Anderson's soft eyes fixate on him, and then he sees a look he's all too familiar with.

_Grief and Sympathy_

"What's going on?" Eddie asks, anxiety and numbness seeping their way into his heart.

“I’m so sorry for your loss Firefighter Diaz” He feels his lips drying and the familiar nothingness as Anderson puts down her clipboard on the table and sits up straighter.

"Who?" The water bottle he is holding bursts at the pressure of how hard Eddie is squeezing it.

“Your husband”

_Buck?_

“H-how?” Heat and nothingness are beginning to spread through his chest, the static in his ear is getting louder. But he forces himself to listen to what Anderson is saying. And he hates when she hesitates to answer.

“There was an accident, he was helping out at a scene when he was hit by a car.” The response sounds far away, muffled by the earth that is filling his ears, and blocking his vision, it swallows him whole. He finds himself unable to move, he finds that he can’t or won’t. Because if he doesn’t, he hopes that this is a horrible dream, that he’s still on the plane and it’s the anxiety of missing his husband and son.

“A-and my son?” Eddie asks, afraid to know the answer.

“Your captain informed me that he’s with his grandmother.” He felt the relief go through him before it was crushed by the grief. That what he is hearing isn’t real, because he spoke to Buck and Chris yesterday. It can’t be true…Buck promised that he would see him when he got home. That he would be at home, waiting for him to come back.

_He promised_

He can feel his fingernails pressing marks into his palms, he can’t bring himself to feel the pain. He thinks about the last time he saw Buck, so it can be ingrained in his memory. He remembers Buck and Chris driving him to the airport, the long hug goodbye to Chris, and the loving departing kiss that Buck sent him off with.

 _“Be safe Eddie…I love you”_ was the last thing that Buck whispered before he left LA and then El Paso.

“W-when? When did this happen?” He spoke to Buck before his night shift started.

“It happened at midnight” Anderson responds and Eddie feels himself breaking at the thought that he was _sleeping_ when his husband died. How could he not have felt it? A small part of him believed that Buck and he were soulmates…wouldn’t he have felt something? He can hear the splashing of water around him at the same time as gunfire.

“I-I have to go home…I just wanna go home” Eddie says, barely holding a steady breath. He takes one deep breath before another. “Please” he practically begs the people in front of him. He just wants to go home and grief in silence. He wants his team…his family. To see and make sure that no one else was hurt. He needs to hear Maddie’s words of encouragement.

_He wanted Shannon with a desperation he hadn’t felt since she died._

"Of course, Mr. Diaz. Paul can drive you home" Eddie blinks and he finds himself in the back of a car. He knows that Paul is driving him home…but Buck and Chris are his home. Before it all, it was just him and his son, and he felt something was missing. He knew at the time, it was Shannon, but after she was gone, Buck stepped in to help him with whatever he needed.

_Buck made his house a home…they were a complete unit…and now?_

_He remembers how he worked up the courage to make the first move, knowing full well that the ball was in his court. Buck knew that he had to make the first move because of Christopher. And when Eddie kissed him for the first time after one of their usual hangouts, and their pre-existing love just bloomed into something that made Eddie feel happy for the first time in a long time._

Buck had been by his side since the very beginning, they fought fires together, rescued civilians, and experienced life together. Buck made him smile and laugh when the heat of Afghanistan threatened to swallow him whole.

“Mr. Diaz?” Simply asks Dr. Martin and he knows what she’s asking.

“How do you tell your son that he lost his best friend? That his dad isn’t coming home?” Eddie asks and he knows that Dr. Martin is saying something to him, but he can’t hear anything past the static.

_Buck is gone…and Eddie is 30 feet underground_

{~}{~}

When Eddie shuts the door behind him, he leans against the door, unsure of what to do. The first thing he hears is how quiet the house is without his husband and son. He hates the quiet and how it taunts him with things he can’t seem to hold on to. He pulls out his phone and speed dials someone.

“Hola Eddie! Did you land safely?” Asks his Abuela in a cheery voice, and he knew then that she didn’t know about the news yet. He knows he should tell her, but he can’t get the words out now. So he masks it for a moment…just a moment.

“Yes, I did…I just got home. Is Christopher there?”

“He went to sleep a while ago, he’s missed you”

“I missed him too…can you keep him overnight? I just want to sleep off the jet lag”

“Of course Eddie. You sleep well ok? And give Buck my love” Eddie lets out a loud sob the second his abuela hangs up, knowing that he can’t hold it in anymore.

He falls against the side of the couch and sobs into the cushions. Everything that he’s been holding in since the airport is coming in full force. With Buck gone...he knows he has to be strong for his son. He's lost so many people in such a short amount of time…first his mom and now his other dad. Eddie feels the weight of his wedding ring on his finger, and he sobs harder at the thought that he and Buck had only been married for 9 months.

_They hadn’t had enough time_

Eddie finds himself getting angry, but the grief overpowers it more than anything. He isn’t angry at Buck for dying…that would never be the case. He’s angry because why does he always lose someone he loves? Is it him? Is he cursed?

He wipes his eyes as he looks up and around his house. He can see the nightlight in the hallway is plugged in, usually for Christopher to see in the dark in case he gets up in the middle of the night. With the light shining in the hallway, he can see that the door to the bedroom that he's shared with Buck for almost 2 years is closed.

As Eddie finds himself approaching the door, he turns around halfway, unable to go to an empty bed again. He's gone to bed multiple times alone, most of them when he lost someone he loved. First Shannon and now Buck? He's not sure how many more times he can go home to an empty bed. He turns around, intending to go to the couch, but he stops. He wants to get away from their room, somewhere that doesn't have Bucks' things...or his unique scent.

But he finds that it's nearly impossible because everywhere he looks, he can see a memory that Buck and he made together. In the kitchen, laughing as Eddie as his arms around him from behind. The dining room where they had family dinner nights or it was just the two of them, enjoying each other’s company. The living room where they had their video game tournaments with Christopher cheering them on. The bathroom as they get ready for the day together, Buck brushing his hair and applying the gel as Eddie and Christopher brush their teeth. Even the hallway where the front door was, Buck and Eddie sharing a kiss before leaving for work. Everywhere he looked, there was a memory of their family.

_But it’s all gone now…_

Eddie knows that the bedroom is the only room in the house that has the most of Buck in it. So he goes through the motions of undressing himself. He scrubs a hand down his face, and a part of him thinks that he should shower, but h finds himself unable to. He feels hollowed out and exhausted to try and do anything else but sleep. He just wants to sleep and try to put off facing reality as long as possible.

He enters the room and can see that it's completely dark, the curtains are drawn and the room is cloaked in darkness. Not wanting to feel suffocated, he opens a curtain and it hit with the street light that happens to be outside his room. He remembers how Buck first protested at how annoyingly bright it is and how it bathes the room in this awkward orange glow.

_That’s when he hears a groan behind him_

For a moment, he doesn’t move. His first thought is that there is an intruder in the house. But that thought goes out the window when he hears the sheets moving around as someone stretches out on the bed. Eddie dares not to move, afraid that if he turns around, he’ll see nothing and he’ll be alone again.

“Eddie?” A gravely voice calls from behind and Eddie tenses as more tears leak out of his eyes. He braces himself as he turns around to face the voice in the room.

_Buck is in their bed_

The light illuminates Buck squirming in and out of his cocoon of blankets until his arms are free and he's rubbing his eyes as he yawns. Subconsciously, he knows that Buck just got off of a long shift, so he knows that Buck is tired. Buck blinks himself awake enough to hold a conversation.

“Hey there, you’re home early. I thought you were coming tomorrow. I would have picked you up if I had-Eddie?” Buck cuts himself off when he sees the look on Eddie’s face.

"Buck..." Eddie's lips move without any thought on his end. He heard Buck speaking and he can tell that he's tired...he must be dreaming. There was no way that this was real...was it?

“What’s wrong?” Buck asks as he turns away to turn on the lamp at the bedside. The spell that Eddie seems to be under is broken when Buck turns away and Eddie can no longer see his face. Buck tosses the covers to the side and crawls to the other side of the bed to where Eddie is frozen. Eddie watches, seemingly in a trance as Buck slowly reaches forward and intertwines their hands.

_And Eddie breaks_

Eddie lets out a harsh sob when he feels the weight of Buck’s hands in his own. He knows Buck is about to ask something, but Eddie launches forward and practically glomps Buck. The force of the hug pushes them both onto the bed, with Eddie completely on top of Buck, not that he usually minds. He hears something crack at how hard he squeezes Buck, and he knows he might bruise him, but he just needs to hold him.

“Eddie? Did something happen?” Buck asks as Eddie starts sobbing into his neck. _I’m so sorry for your loss Firefighter Diaz_ keeps playing over and over in his mind. Eddie shakes his head as he feels Buck’s arms come around him, and he sobs again. He was so afraid that he would never feel those arms around him again. He’s fallen into them so many times, but he was afraid that he would forget what they would feel like.

He doesn't know what's going on...but Buck is here. Eddie could pick him out anywhere, just by touch and scent alone. He knows Buck just like he knows his son; his scent, the rhythm of his heartbeat, and the way that Buck is rubbing his hands gently over the lines of Eddie's back to calm him down. He knows Buck anywhere, and right now, he's right in between his arms, alive and safe. Eddie can feel Buck push them up instead of lying down, but Eddie tightens his hold, afraid that Buck will disappear if he lets go for even a second. Eddie feels Buck push him back against the headboard of their bed.

“Talk to me baby, did something happen?” Buck asks gently as he pulls back, but Eddie doesn’t allow him to leave his embrace. A sob makes its way out, almost surprised before another one that sounds more wrecked and sad than anything else.

“Hey, hey. It’s ok sweetheart” Buck says as he presses gentle soft kisses against the side of Eddie's head and cheek, and Eddie feels himself sob harder at this. Eddie feels Buck pull back a little to run his hands from his back, up his shoulders to rest on his neck. Buck gently encourages him to look up and Eddie struggles to say something, to maybe get an explanation of what’s going on…but nothing comes out. Buck sadly smiles as he wipes away the tears from Eddie’s face, who leans in at the touch.

“Whatever happened, we can fix it. You’re safe now, I’m right here” Eddie can feel the grief leave him with these simple words, leaving him more exhausted than earlier, every muscle in his body feels overused and sore as he falls more against Buck.

“I love you” the words coming out hoarse and ragged as Eddie speaks for the first time since laying his eyes on Buck.

“I love you too” Buck replies before placing a hand on the side of Eddie’s face and turning it toward him to kiss him on the cheek. “Do you think you can tell me what’s wrong? Is it someone in El Paso?”

“N-no…everyone is fine”

“Then what-“ Buck’s phone rings, cutting the atmosphere in half. He reaches over without breaking eye contact and silences the ringtone, letting it go to voicemail. “Ignore it, sweetheart. I thought something terrible happened, you looked-sad…”

Sad wasn’t even the right word to describe what Eddie had been feeling. Sad would have been a better alternative instead of what he was feeling. He was used to being sad…he could deal with that, but not anything else. Eddie sighs in relief as Buck kisses his temple and squeezes his neck.

“W-when I got off the plane, there-“ his sentence is cut off when there’s a crash and pounding at the door. Buck looks to the door and starts to pull away, but stops when Eddie pulls him back.

“Don’t leave me” he says brokenly.

“Babe I-“ Buck tries but it cut off by a voice.

“Buck? Eddie!” Shouts a voice at the entrance.

“In here!” Replies Buck without leaving Eddie’s embrace. They hear the pounding of feet and Bobby bursts into the room, looking disheveled and panicked.

“It looks like everything is ok!” Bobby yells over his shoulder and Athena along with Hen comes into view, taking in the scene in front of them, and Eddie can see the tension seep out of them.

“What’s going on?” Buck questions and Eddie wonders the same thing.

“It was a different firefighter Diaz” and Eddie lets out a gasp as someone slapped him.

“A what? Can we start over?” Buck asks and Bobby sighs.

“We were hanging out when Chief Ford came to our house. He told us that he was sorry for our loss” Buck tilts his head in confusion.

“They told me you died” Eddie presses a kiss into Buck’s unkempt hair.

“Oh… _oh no_ sweetheart, I’m right here. I’m alive” Buck says as he takes one of Eddie’s hands and places it over his heart. Eddie sighs as he feels the organ beat under his palm.

“I know…now” Eddie says quietly.

“Her name was Edith Diaz, she also goes by Edie, with one D. Someone messed up by adding a second D by accident, and they thought it was you”

“Oh god…I didn’t even think about how they spelled my name on the paper. They pulled me aside after landing and told me that you died helping on the scene. That you got hit by a car…never confirmed your name” Eddie says, breathing hard in and out, trying not to cry again. His eyes burning from the redness.

“We knew you were alive though, you just got off a shift, but we just had to make sure you were ok,” Hen says, smiling at Buck.

“Thank you all so much…I-I don’t know what would have happened I-if Buck was still at work, or at Abuela’s…or even outside” But Eddie knows exactly what would have happened. He would have fallen into a hole of despair so deep, that no one could dig him out until morning. He would have cried until he threw up, he would have gone without sleep for weeks, scrolling through all the candids he took of Buck and Chris. Thinking of what might have been if they only had more time.

“We owe you one. Hate to do this, but I’d like to make sure my husband is ok” Buck says and everyone understands completely.

“Take care, the both of you. Glad you are ok Buck” Athena says before pushing everyone out the door. “Love you both!” Athena yells before audibly shutting the front door, and there is nothing left but silence again.

“Eddie…God you must have been-“

“I thought you were gone…I was so scared that I lost you and I didn’t even know it” Eddie says sadly.

“I’m here baby…right here” Buck says as he pushes Eddie back and climbs into his lap, Buck holding Eddie to his chest. Just as expected, Eddie relaxes as he listens to the calming effect of Buck’s heartbeat. Eddie feels Buck’s hands tangle in his hair and his neck, his chin resting on top of Eddie’s head.

“Can I just hold you? For the rest of the night?” Eddie asks hesitantly and Buck nods in confirmation.

“Come on, let’s get you in something more comfortable,” Buck says but Eddie is hesitant to let go.

“I don’t want to let you go,” Eddie says softly and Buck gives a small smile. Buck steps forward and connects their lips, reassuring Eddie that Buck is alive.

“I know…let’s at least get you out of these jeans. Sleeping in jeans is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone” Buck says and Eddie gives a small wheeze, a little more of the grief leaves him as the familiar print of his husband's lips touch his own. Eddie sighs as Buck lets him go long enough for Eddie to takes his jeans off, Buck leaving his hands on Eddie. When Eddie is dressed down to just a shirt and his boxers, Buck pulls them into their bed to settle in. Buck grabs their duvet and tucks themselves underneath it, kissing Eddie on the forehead as he sighs.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to let you out of my sight for a while,” Eddie says honestly, afraid of how Buck might react. While Buck is just as tactile as he is, he knows that sometimes, even for an hour, Buck needs his own space, just to recharge.

“I understand sweetheart if the roles were reversed…I know I wouldn’t be able to let you go for a while either.”

“You wouldn’t?” Eddie asks, unsure where the doubt is coming from, but it doesn’t seem to faze Buck in the least.

“If they told me that you died, I go home and find you in bed…I’d never let go of your hand”

“Don’t tempt me” Eddie says, but closes his eyes as he inhales Buck’s unique scent of pine mixed with home. Eddie was so afraid that he would forget what Buck smelled like, so afraid that he would never be able to do this again.

“I feel sorry for that other firefighter…that she lost her partner. But I’m so glad it wasn’t you…I was so scared that we hadn’t had enough time together.”

“I’m not going anywhere…not without a fight. I have you and Chris to come home to, I’m not leaving you behind” Eddie can hear the unsaid promise behind the words, and he nods.

“Just bear with me for a few days ok?”

_I’m so sorry for your loss Firefighter Diaz_

_“_ I can’t get what she said out of my head” Eddie admits.

_I’m so sorry for your loss Firefighter Diaz_

_I’m so sorry for-_

Buck cuts off the constant words by gripping the side of his face with one cheek, forcing Eddie to open his eyes. He calms once he sees the vibrant blue eyes he loves. Eddie then traces the birthmark above his eye, committing it to memory again.

“It’s ok baby, you take all the time need ok?” Buck then lies on his back as he pulls Eddie to lie on top of his chest, who relaxes at the calming sounds of Buck’s heartbeat.

“Do you hear that baby? It’s my heart beating just for you…I’m here. I’m right here” Buck says as Eddie tightens his hold on his husband's waist. “I’m not letting you go tonight”

“You’re home” Eddie whispers, more to himself than anyone.

“And you’re safe”

“When they told me you were dead…I felt like I was back in Afghanistan-“

“Sweetheart…”

“And I felt like I was underground again. I thought I wouldn’t be able to come out of this like I did last time. I was so scared of what was going to happen to Chris if I didn’t get it together and-“

“You don’t have to worry about that now ok? I’m here, alive with you. And you are safe” Buck says, placing a kiss in Eddie’s hair, who sighs at the sensation. The rest of the ugly feelings leave Eddie’s body as Buck kisses him softly.

“I’m safe…” Eddie says quietly and Buck hums in agreement. “I love you so much”

“I love you too” Buck responds quietly and it’s the last thing that Eddie hears before exhaustion completely takes him, feeling safe and happy that he can hold his husband.

_He still has time with his beloved_

* * *

Thanks for reading! Feel Free to comment!  
  
Come visit me on my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/chitownwolf)!

I stan Buck calling Eddie _baby_ and vice versa


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